Jan 9, 2008

RAJMACHI - A NEW YEAR IN A NEW WAY

(Special thanks to Rohit for the valuable insights and information and for the spell-check :)! )
Nestled in the midst of nature are many treasures that man has long forgotten in his quest for materialistic life. The daily routines and hustle-bustle has left thought being strictly limited to the concrete jungle that surrounds the vision and the luxuries within that pretend to rescue the man from it.

But it is only when the actual hidden escapades are discovered that the True meaning of life and living truly dawns. Ever wondered why being among greenery casts a strange calmness in your mind or why it soothes your senses and makes you smile without reason? Even your subconscious feels the presence of the original, the pure and the serene and it reacts pleasantly. And what better way to welcome a New Year than by spending it in the lap of nature!

Rajmachi is very famous fort near the twin hill stations in Maharashtra - Lonavala and Khanadala. Rajmachi fort is about 16/19 Kms from Lonavala, One of the ways to reach the fort is from Tungarli Lake, which is the route we took. Rajmachi consists of two beautiful peaks namely 'Shrivardhan' and 'Manaranjan' and is a fun, easy trek for beginners.

THE ASCEND - 30th December:


Preparation included packing bags last moment, and realizing I don’t have a small enough bag. Horrendous consequences emerged, as I had to lug an extra-large, sumo-wrestler sized bad along!! (Ouch!) I journeyed to the initial destination – VT station, where Lakshi awaited my arrival. We would catch the 2.30 Sinhagad Express from VT.

Meeting the others and after basic introductions, we moved into the train compartment. The architectural make of the compartment was not feasible for mingling and opening up and so the train journey was more of listening and observing for me.

Getting off at Lonavla station and after a small halt we started our walk at around 6 pm. We walked from Lonavla station to Gurukul High School for about 10 minutes, where Mango and Rajashree (or Mangee as we call her) joined the group. We walked ahead from there to Tungarli Village (Upper Deck) wherein began the trip towards ‘heaven’. Climb climb it was then towards the dam first and then on a mud track that got a little rocky at times. We walked from Tungarli(Patel Properties) to Thakurwadi in about 30 minutes, and as we got down from Thakurwadi, right there before our vision were the magnificent peaks that beckoned us। It seemed like they were awaiting our arrival, whiling away time talking to breeze till we arrived and tickled their senses.

(Note please: Map courtesy Rohit Nayak and his Paintbrush skills)

At Thakurwadi village the darkness settled heavily and we paused plunging our bags on the ground. Torches became our swords as we battled the night to reach our destination. We jumped down a curvy mud road till we reached a quarry. Wandering in the dark seemed to take away the tediousness of the really really long walk along the winding path. Otherwise, we were told, this route is quite long, but relatively very simple. In fact, as Rohit puts it and I quote, “Only a fool could get lost here”. But then we did sort of almost get lost along the way as Hemant Da led us the wrong way near the quarry! Again to give them credit, as we were later told, not many of them had traversed this path and it was a new route that was being experimented. Moving left from the quarry after Rohit came to our rescue, we stumbled down the path for some time in the dark.

Though the night trek limited our view, it seemed to heighten the other senses as I could actually ‘feel’ nature and touch it. If someone had seen me then they would have been puzzled to see me grinning stupidly all along the way. Being the person that I am, I like to look at the stars, take in some cool air, smile at the wind that goes whispering past my ear and grin at the crickets that are attempting to strike conversations in the twilight. This, along with my stupid bag made me the one lugging behind as everyone rushed off ahead. Still, I did not want to just finish the climb without even feeling it and ending up all exhausted and cribbing, so I chose not to pace up. SK walked alongside me with umpteen patience, not shoving me ahead like a bunch of herds. What struck me was that he was walking without a torch in the pitch dark! In contrast, when my torch batteries dimmed, I actually tripped over for lack of proper sight of the path ahead.

Moving ahead and taking a further left at a fork, we reached a ‘C’, where we were told was a waterfall that flourished in the rains. It has a strong water flow and during the rains, extreme caution must be exercised while crossing it. It is even recommended that if the water crosses the boundary line, the place should be crossed only with help from the villagers. The scene can be quite a visual treat then as the monsoons rush to cover the area with a green blanket and pearly water drops shine from nooks. It seems like a game nature is playing and amuses us in all its playfulness.

After this is a simple straight walk and we just had to follow the mud path… ‘Follow the yellow brick road, ta da. Follow the follow the follow the follow the follow the yellow brick road!”

Parag Dada, Tapan and Sameer stayed back to wait for Leena who would arrive later. Rahul came on his bike with Nikhil. On the way Nikhil was made to get off as Leena got on the bike, and the four others walked up. They covered the route in 2.5 hours flat, while we took 4 hrs for the same!! Rahul and Leena met us on the way and then it was her turn to be dethroned from her seat of glory as the chillars - Aishu and Nupur were placed there.

Tired yet grinning we reached the village called Udhewadi, or more popularly known as Rajmachi, and the cottage where we would dock ourselves at around 10 pm, earlier than expected. Geeta Maushi, the lady of the house, lovingly prepared scrumptious dinner for all of us that we gorged on. Then was the laying of the mats or sheets for sleeping arrangements of the mob that had landed at the small abode. Thinking that everyone is going off to sleep when the arrangements were made, Lakshi and me went off to sleep inside. Sadly, little did we know about the late night sessions, debates and ghost stories that ensued outside later!

EARLY EXPLORATIONS:

Early next morning we rubbed off some sleep from our eyes as Sam woke us gently, which I am not quite used to! Then was the scramble up to the Shrivardhan fort. Rajmachi is a set of two forts – Shrivardhan and Manaranjan, strategically positioned on two adjacent peaks. They were constructed to overlook the routes of two important regions of the Konkan area – Lonavla and Karjat. They are constructed in a manner than one can view all the routes leading up to the fort and the chosen regions and thereby ensure proper security. It is even told that if someone calls out from the bottom of the mountain, the voice traverses all the way to the top, which is a useful device for alerting.

We scaled the initial path and reached a small Bhairavnath temple. Simple yet serene, the temple exuded a positive energy and calmness. Its lack of gaudiness and no ornamentation created an air of warmth that made it a peaceful retreat in the midst of creation. We then moved up to the fort. Looking back we could see the village below and on one side we could trace the route we had come from the previous night. It was a spectacular sight to actually gauge the way you had traveled and your reach.

Along with marveling at nature, it was also a marvel to reach a point from where it was possible to envelope this vastness in your mind. I just wanted to stand tall and grin at nature, speaking to it in an unspoken language. I wanted to hold it in my palms as I gaped at it, and let the experience ripple through my soul.

The bastions that stood proud on the fort’s exteriors and the small ‘chor darwazas’ that edged their way into the fort from unexpected channels; everything left a simple question in my mind: how did they build all this at THAT time? A technological lack withstanding, they managed to erect a stone monument that stands as a tribute to their undaunting effort and mind-blowing skills.

As for some piece of history, the word 'Machi' in Marathi means 'Plateau', this plateau is at a height of almost 2500-2700 feet. Shrivardhan and Manaranjan can also be considered as two separate forts. Shrivardhan is 'Bale killa' of Rajmachi. It is almost 3000 feet high. But it was mainly built to keep watch on Konkan area. It overlooks the Lonavala region and was built to keep a watch on trade route passing through the Bhor Ghats.

The other - Manaranjan is 2700 feet high. Manaranjan consists of strong walls, 3 doors and many water tanks. One can see the Ulhas river, Dukes Nose (Nagphani), Karnala, Matheran, Mahuli and Bhimashankar, etc. The old caves of 'Kondhavi' on Rajmachi fort are worth a dekho. One can see the entire railway route from Karjat to Lonavala from this fort.
And an added note, the place looks amazing in the rains as lush greenery seems to envelope you in its arms as if beckoning you to rejoice the game nature is playing.

Though we did not get the chance to witness the glory of Manaranjan, the view from its other half was worthwhile. Mindful of my steps, I simply could not keep my eyes off the region around, and as far as my vision could reach, all I could comprehend was beauty at its best. Reaching the top of the fort there was a flagpole with remnants of a flag that seemed to be fluttering in nostalgia and memories of its old glory. Something caught me (as usual) and I felt the urge to climb the pole. No, it was not the spirit of a languor, though the region definitely is known for a hoard of them (we even spotted one!). Anyway, after relevant permissions (or maybe tantrums) with the organizers, I climbed up, gazing at the sky and earth and all that was in between.

It was an experience that nothing can describe. Feeling the breeze on my face, I felt like on top of the world. It is strange how nature also ends up uplifting spirits, just like little children do. Maybe it’s the raw innocence, the purity and the simple purposelessness that makes their existence so joyful and the air infectious. They exist for the sake of existing, and not for money, or love, or luxuries, or career. They just live, bloom, laugh and share it all – that’s what I believe life is – living!

Following me were the other ‘ladies’ of the group while the kind gentlemen clicked away merrily. I cannot state how they felt, but they sure had smiles all the way!

We sipped water from a tank at the fort that had amazingly chilled and sweet water. The fishes swam in full abandon, but the water was pure as ever. Nature has its way of replenishing needs, without any harm to anything else, quietly paving a path for everything.

The most depressing sight at the fort (yes there was something depressing) was the sight around the fort. A lot of greenery had been burnt and destroyed by what seemed like a forest fire. Black soot was all around. We were later told that this was the misdoing of some ‘trekkers’ from Pune who disposed a lit cigarette that triggered a huge fire. Their carelessness is astounding, as they did not even claim responsibility and the very villagers who rescued them from the fire had to bestow the blame!

RETURN TO INNOCENCE:

It was then time to return to the cottage for breakfast. We were pleasantly surprised to see Rohan and Aarty already there and rubbing sleepy eyes when we reached. They had reached before expected! Maushi had made some yummy sheera that was gobbled down the moment it appeared. Next we were rounded off to a grazing ground (which no longer had any grass!) for the ‘events of the day’. The theme, well-selected, was ‘Going back to childhood’. It started off with us being tied up, literally, so that we don’t run away. I mean the three-legged race. We thought we might be able to choose our pairs (evil grin). But alas, Hemant broke all our illusions and paired me with Girish, and Lakshi with Shirish. I, for one, was trying hard to keep my leg in place because everytime he moved his leg, mine inevitably flew into the air! I almost thought I would either end up flying to the finish line or just fall flat and break my nose. But, yaay, that did not happen.

Unfair mention: Others were NOT randomly paired after this!! Grrrrrrrr!

The race went great with some ‘nadas’ breaking off (Sameer and Rahul), some surprising sprints (SK and Vijay running off like their asses were on fire), and people wearing 3/4ths or shorts complaining of the nada cutting into their skin rendering them unable to run faster!

And to top it all, we had CHEERLEADERS! Yes, of course. We had the audience enthusiastically standing at the sides, with dry cowdung in their hands, hurling it at the ones lagging behind. Obviously this was to encourage them to run faster! J

Next came the chamcha nimbu. And even before the race began we had a string of spoons breaking off as people assumed it to be candy-sticks. Plastic I say! There were attempts to scrutinize and select nimbus (by a certain Miss Lakshika), but ha!, hail Hemant as justice prevailed. He actually checked every participant to see that no one was cheating.

It started with the boys as they walked with noses in the air, minding their nimbus (no pun intended). Cowdung of course was the highlight. The girls next, chose to pose for pictures first. Not surprising. Then the funny walks happened, as half the nimbus decided they did not like their owners and chose to ‘drop’ out.

The best part was the winners – Mango and Rajashree! What a sporty couple! Out the sudden sporty mood erupted an impromptu race. And surprise surprise, the winners were - Mango and Jayashree!!

WE GREW FINS:

My favourite part came now as the sweaty lot headed to the lake for a dip and more. Fatafat changing and then was the relaxing swim in the heavenly waters. Did I tell you how much I love the water and how eagerly I await these ‘swimming in a natural pool’ sessions? It reminded me of Rural Camp where we swam under twilight, with only the stars providing necessary illumination. We could hardly see who was next to us, and so much the better, as any torches switched on at the ‘girls side of the stream’ then would be met with shouts as everyone preferred bathing semi-clad. Talking of rural camp, a lot of things here made me nostalgic about it, and I longed to experience it again!

But since its not that we are talking about, I come back to the swimming. The ones who unfortunately had learnt only to drown stood at the shallow part, carefully trying not to slip. The two kids – Aishu and Nupur could be seen making merry with the water splashing all about. Some preferred to just sit on the side stone and let their feet do the bathing. While some of us had a diving session in progress as we went on the scan the lengths of the lake. It was fun to have a diving sequence with everyone, as I dived for the 1st time ever since I learnt swimming eons ago.

Everyone’s favourite part was Parag dada washing clothes religiously – the Kodak moment! Rohit was conspicuously missing and Anu kept flitting away. We later realised what they were busy with as we puzzled at the ‘cryptic clues’ and dug around the village!

Time for delicious lunch that hardly took any time since everyone was so famished. And lunch means sleep… and people fell flat on the verandah for a nap. Some enjoyed their 40 winks while the rest of us playing a game of bluff. The game had to be finally abandoned when Rohit, Rajashree and Aishwarya just could stay off the cards and wanted all of them!

TRICK OR TREAT – JUST GET THE TREASURE SOMEHOW! :

Treasure hunt then, as the teams were divided under the ‘able guidance’ of very intelligent leaders – Sameer and SK. Competition spirit became evident from the start itself as everyone strove (or fought) to get the points. The game was explained to one and all, and the point system described to ‘Math-allergic’ people like me. Then came the 1st ceremony – a reading of the 1st cryptic clue. Nicely worded and even rhyming, the clues were a surprise fun to even hear. The 1st clue led us to the solar panels, as everyone scrambled to find the hidden card.

It was the haunted abode next, looking for the clue card. I think Rahul was even spotted chatting up the ghosts asking them for hints!


The treasure hunt took us from there to the Shiv Temple near the lake as this clue was solved:

“Spirituality is like Underwear….have it but don't flaunt it
I m one of the ways to get to the pearly gates
My Monolithic structure stands the test of time
Find my Lord and thee shall shine”


Discovering the card from amidst the rocks, the two teams moved on to a certain ‘mango tree’. Here we were out of breath even before we reached the tree, as the ‘adarniya nyayadheesh’, Sri Sri Hemant ji, decided to keep us miles away from the tree before we started the search so that there would be no unfairness. Sigh! Pinak’s height brought him glory here as he reached the clue perched high on the tree before we even stepped in the tree shade.

(What I wonder is who the hell put it there and how? Rohit can climb trees???)

Panting we trudged to the next spot – the minaret near the temple. A rectangle of dug ground and so many directionless people inside. Chotu wonder, Aishwarya found the clue but a controversy emerged. Now it seems like reality TV finally! Debates about who spotted the clue first and who has claim over the points had the two teams at loggerheads. Oh my, I think I spotted Pinak sporting horns and ready to strike! Ok ok, the issue was calmly settled thanks to our ‘team leaders’ (didn’t I mention they were able and intelligent) who emerged generous, humble and the perfect exemplars of sportsmanship!

Next was digging the mud around the nearby well, as the clue puzzled more than half the junta.

“Depth is something that cannot be fathomed
I know ur pissed with the word game so keep aside the sarcasm!
A circle of stones amongst the brown
Why do I see a lot of brows frown?
Take another swig minus the twig
U will have to search for me cos I aint big
A swig I don't promise but a visual treat
Near to me lies a ruined piece
A Symbol of hope and belief
Run to me and cleanse ur soul
Near to me in the finger bowl
Lies the card that will lead u to a goal”

Stupid me, so used to wordplays and hidden meanings tried to find an interpretation of the ‘fingerbowl’, whereas it turned out to be an actual fingerbowl! Meanwhile, footage was being recorded of Aishu digging the mud, or people running helter-skelter like there’s been an earthquake or me trying to find a hairpin in the sand!

Card found, it was the cowshed next. With nightmares of trying to uncover the card from within a dung-pile, we moved to the spot. Thankfully, our ever so gracious leaders took over the mantle of the job and for security and protection of the cattle, the rest of the monster-herd was not allowed into the shed.

Finally it was the water tap and the flow of points ending with a rush of picture-taking. The ‘treasure’ was yummy roshogullas, chocolates and chocolates and chocolates. Slurp! Yaay, the ‘winning team’ (which was not us, even after efforts and a catapulted race forward) shared the delicacy. Cheers to all!

Treasure hunt over, tea break. And did you see Lakshika holding 4 of those kismis biscuits and gulping 2 cups of tea. Hah! This is entry is also for secret-revealing!

SINKING ISLAND:

We then tried a hand at a game suggested by Hemant – three islands. Brilliant game as some of us agreed, since it required a lot of mental exercise. Me loves such games. But the rules weren’t clearly understood and that created a lot of confusion. Also, the day long activities had drained everyone leaving behind an air of exhaustion. Thus the game was abandoned as everyone committed ‘suicide’ by ‘jumping into the sea’.

We had a small session then with Vare kaka – Geeta Maushi’s husband, who told us about the fort, the village and everything. He told us of the villager’s efforts and the use of solar energy for producing electricity. The villagers had worked hard and achieved the resources. And their dedication to the environment along with looking after their own needs was commending. No harmful substance or method had ever been used.

Dinner was next. It was a welcome treat for the non-veggies with chicken. Delicious potato bhaji compensated it all for the veggies too. Oh and since I finished by gulping in the 1st round and was helping with serving, I also made some papads in Maushi’s chulha J Yaaay!

I INDIAN:

The girls moved to the middle room with 2 watch-guards at the door, so that changing could take place. Sudden transformation occurred, as it seemed like the Fairy Godmother had done her bit with the Cinderellas. The theme was traditional and all the girls strutted prettily in dresses, earrings et al.

We then moved with our torches to the temple to prepare for the diva lighting. It was New Year’s Eve and the night was chilly. The calm and the softness was unseen of otherwise at this time of the year. The ripples in the lake could be heard till the temple and it spread a certain feeling of belonging, of being someplace divine.

We arranged stuff and started lighting the divas as the other came along and everyone joined it. It felt grand and extraordinary to begin the New Year in such a glorious way.

THE HEART OF DARKNESS:

The temple was lit with 84 mud lamps. It spilled the light all around and everyone’s faces seemed to be throwing out the light too. In moments the dark area was transformed, as we looked how it stood majestic and proud.

The temple is very very ancient, about 600-1000 years old, as Rohit pointed out. In telling us the glorious history of the temple, we could see his enthusiasm and interest showing up on his face.

The existence of the temple was hidden until a few years back. All that could be seen was the top as the rest of it was buried in the mud. The temple was then excavated very recently and the rectangular pit around the minaret stands proof to it. The temple dates back to the Hemadipant era when all the structures were created out of stone. The pillars in this temple too were all carved from a single block of stone. The pillars had flat spaces at points, which were for placing the ‘pantis’ or mud lamps.

The other unique characteristic of the temple is the Gow Mukh or ‘Nandi’ from whose mouth the water flows, placed at the entrance. A constant stream of water flows there even during summer, which is also the source of the lake. This is the reason it is called a ‘live lake’, and the water is extremely useful. The water from the underground stream always keeps it full, and a few other such underground streams and reservoirs feed the people and resources of Rajmachi.

Vare kaka
, during his session told us of the plans by the villagers in association with the local authorities to clean up the lake and turn it into a drinking-water reservoir. The lake would be fenced and no one will be allowed. This will also solve a lot of problems since the villagers have to walk carrying water pots on their heads in order to get drinking water from far away places.

In the midst came along Hemant with his ‘bride-to-be’. Unmistakably it was Rohit, decked up in a skirt and scarf and grinning all along. This was the finale to a prank that was being played all along with the entire group. In fact, in curiosity, the boys had even carried Hemant on their shoulders the previous night and walked around parading so that he would reveal her name!

After the lighting of the temple, we exchanged New Year greetings. And everyone sat around the tank as fishpond was played. Fun chits and messages had everyone in a burst of laughter, till we could no longer play as the cold was getting to us! We headed back to the cottage for some sweet sleep.

HEADING HOME:

Next morning was supposed to be a trip to Manaranjan, but sleep did not leave anybody as everyone overslept. Leena, Mango and Rajashree left the night before. We got up and readied ourselves so that we could leave after tea.

The downhill journey was via the Karjat route. This path was shorter and a little more rough as it was not ‘prepared’. For those not used to trekking, it may have been easy to get lost. Thankfully, as Raj showed me, there were arrows on many of the stone that previous trekkers had made for directions.

I was slow, and my stupid shoes did not help. And to avoid further delay or a mishap, Parag Dada caringly assigned Raj to help me descend. And I was grateful, as he walked ahead helping me at any tough patch, and teaching me some tricks along the way. He told me how walking cross-legged helps and how keeping the balance towards the mountain side helps in case you fall as you don’t drop into the valley. I did trip quite a few times in the mud and was laughing at my own constant clumsiness that did not leave me even here!

Everyone moved ahead in groups and the organizers had walkie-talkies to communicate. This route is a steep path down the mountain, interjected by 3 plateaus along the way. Just before the last plateau I sprained my feet and couldn’t walk straight any longer. It was really nice to have the organizers concerned and worrying as I tried to gather myself and be normal.

The route ends at the village of Kharaundi, from where is a straight walk along an isolated road. It can get monotonous but the scenic view of the whole mountain on either side is quite exhilarating. Also, for me, it was a different experience as Sameer pointed out the fort for me where we were, and I comprehended the distance. From here we walked to Kondivade and were treated to Pepsi-colas by Sam again. We then took tempos to Karjat station and the way we fit into one was a sight to be seen. It seemed like anyone would just fall out any moment!

FAREWELL THEE MY FELLOW TRAVELLER:

Karjat station and ticket-buying, and Lakshi and me ran for the 12.15 train, but missed it. Fortunate for us as the entire group then traveled together. Train had its own share of fun with the hoax palmistry session by Baba Lakshikachandra. On the other side were Tapan, Girish, Raj and me involved in profundities and theories about life and a lot more.

One by one everyone got off at their respective stations and bid adieu to the group. Tapan, Sameer, Parag dada and me traveled together in the train to Borivli.

I returned home, with hurting feet, aching back, frizzy hair and a huge smile that was filled with memorable moments and a great time. It was the joy of having spent a New Year in a unique way, of feeling nature and of letting myself go loose in the wild. I made new friends, and though there may have been intimidations on this trek, a bond was formed that cleared the way for communication and a stronger friendship. We all were united in our passion for nature, for madness, for exploration, and yet we are different in how we experience it. Our experience is ours, yet it’s incomplete without the others. And this network of independence due to dependence was what gave me great moments.
(Nature pics courtesy Rohit Nayak and Sameer Patel. Other pics 'lifted' from albums of Tapan, Sujay, Hemant and Rahul. Thanks guys!)

Nov 10, 2007

A UNI-VERSE ABOUT A UNIVERSE

Walking along the brim of the universe
I decided to peep into the bowl,
Walking along the edge on top
I could see existence as a whole.
Moving, running, circling
Chasing other forms
Playing throwball- 'There goes a comet'
Or simply cheering along.
A huge hotch-potch of all games
Being played all at once
Clashes, fights, jumps and roars
Everything living a life of its own.
Every form affixed a place
Every game having rules
I could see them, predict or imagine
Believing this is how it works.
But beliefs are fragile,
brittle and unstable,
mirages and illusions,
fairytales and fables.
Looking from the brim,
I couldn't figure it out
Everything had changed
All jumbled around.
A huge upheaval
the games are changing
A change of positions
Chaos between settling down.
Illusions faced me
As old expectations arose
Broken by the suddenness of the change
Images broke down, defroze.
The change was constant,
The illusions around me fluttered,
I looked at the universe around me
Surprised, shaken and bewildered.

- © HAEM ROY
10th November, 2007

Jul 9, 2007

Buzzy Fly - Mission 'Harass Haem'!!

"It has become so hot. The sun has decided to roast my poor delicate body. Now its impossible to fly around any longer. I will have to get some rest. Maybe a parapet or a tree will do for a while.

Hey what it that? The weather!! O My God, its changing. I can see the clouds coming. I can sense them. I will have to tell my fellowmates and warn them. We have to start planning now and start buzzing around in groups.
'Hey guys! Did you notice the change in the weather? Its here now. Any moment. Come on, lets gang up now. Its the attack season, the season on invasion. Lets prepare our strategy.'
This is what we do every time. We are now buzzing in groups or rather a swarm as you would term it. Oh my God, its starting to rain!!
'Come on warriors, that house there. I see the window open. Lets rush in everyone. Fast fast, move it!

Try and invade each and every corner of the house that you can. The rain will not get us here. We are quite safe. Just be alert of those stupid fly swatters. Have your reflexes on guard.

Oh look there... target spotted. I think it will be good to start attack. Everyone move towards the human. Her name is Haem. Surround her.

Now, everyone, remember your job is to keep on buzzing in her ear. Create as much noise as possible. But never do that in a way that she can see you. Stay out of sight. That is more irritating. The other, groups 2 and 3, you are in charge of the hand and torso. Work like you are playing Kabaddi. You have to touch and fly away. Just remember, touch and fly away, and do it in turns. Never at the same side. When one finishes his turn on one side, the other takes over on the other and then back to one, and so on.

Groups 4 and 5, leg area. Keep moving around it and while circulating, like groups 2 and 3, keep touching and flying away. Remember, fly within sight for some time and then disappear and then come back within sight. All this has to be very quick.

Group 6 should be incharge of food. Everytime a plate or any morsel is spotted, it is your job to attack it. Hover over it, sit on it, and dont let Haem peacefully finish it. We have our right on it too, so while some can distract her by flying around her, the rest can deal with the food.

I will be incharge of overall supervision, and will continue to hover everywhere, and distract as much as possible.

MISSION BEGIN!!'
We have begun our mission and the hovering continues. This will be our daily task till the rains stop. And since the windows will not be closed always, we always have a way to enter. Once we are in, who can shoo us out. Sometimes they try and scare us with napkins but we fool them as we pretend to get out of the house and come right back in.

Its invasion time, and our mission -
HARASS HAEM AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. NOT TO LET HER EAT AND SIT IN PEACE AND KEEP BUZZING AND KEEP BUZZING. HA HA!"

Jul 5, 2007

Try it!



Have you ever tried talking to them? Have you tried playfully asking them nonsensical question when they come begging to you, like you do normally with kids? And have you had the fortune of seeing the smiles on their faces?

Project Care, conversations at the sea side, smiles while I am walking, talks in the train... lots of times and lots of smiles I can remember.

I say, TRY IT. Its worth it.


The smile that was still there

A ragged pair of shorts on the plump body lay
debating whether to fall or not,
tousled hair more like the styles of today,
dark skin contrasting with the cream interiors of the local train;
staggering steps automatically finding their way.
Approaching you as soon as you are seen taking a bite
from your food, the lunch leftovers,
Hovering and staring, eyeing the bit,
Trying to pick it from your very fingers;
Not asking for money no whining no crying,
Not even a frown, no beggar seemed he,
Walking aimlessly without a word spoken
Just looking for something for a starving tummy.
Used to the urchins wandering in the trains
And stopping the gush of pity that flows,
You just hand over the food to him
As he grabs the offering, reminding you of scavenger crows.
You watch as he gobbles
And are filled with a feeling so different,
It’s pity, though not so distressing,
Sympathy – with more of compassion,
Sorrow – for the state, the extent of wasted lives,
Happiness – for having removed life-taking hunger,
Wonder – at something that so mysteriously arrives,
All mixed up somewhere deep inside,
None ready to subside.
The food is over, but the hunger lingers,
As he looks at you with grateful hope
Though he knows he can’t get any more.
And then he looks at you
With eyes that strike,
Sad, tired, yet twinkling,
Black and beady and uncannily bright;
And then you see the sign, the sign that says it all,
A smile of brown and disfigured teeth,
A smile despite the hunger, despite a lack of reason,
A smile, that has innocence hidden beneath.
Ten years of life or maybe more
Was what it took for that being to be so,
And was the time worth it
When now he has to forage for a meal, a leftover bit;
Yet, the smile is still there…
A satisfaction strangely soars,
A still it is, no picture perfect,
It haunts you, flashes often, out of nowhere,
Humbles, reminds, touches a chord
The smile that was still there.

© HAEM ROY


Apr 4, 2007

EVERYDAY....

Just penned this in between studying... a sorta break between struggling with Ideology and Structuralism or the likes...

EVERYDAY…

Everyday…
I sit upon the very same wall.
Staring, gazing
Looking at the nothingness around it.
Everyday it’s the same routine.
I know I have to climb it daily
I know I have to sit and stare
But still that knowledge is not enough
‘Cos there is the fear of falling
Or hurt that I may have to bear.
What if I do not climb the wall some day?
What if I decide to penetrate the nothingness?
It will be a new experience
An entry to the unknown, a new door,
Made by my decision to stray.
The new way may be a dead end
Or a myth with monsters
But it’s different, I dare say,
Better than the wall
And its endlessness,
Better than the fear of falling.
The door opened may have just rocks.
But, a door has been opened
Leading me out of the nothingness…
Everyday…
Is now another day…
Taking me with my blindfolds
Allowing me to feel it
Everyday…
- © HAEM ROY 
3rd April, 2007

Apr 3, 2007

Life's unexpected turns...

You are going smoothly... certain doubts in mind troubling you...
But, in time, the doubts clear and then you see the bright sky as you look forward to the approaching good weather that you know is coming...
And suddenly... bump! there is a crash as something jolts you out of this happiness. There is thunder, there is a drak cloud, trying to keep you from moving ahead, trying to get you to stop, and not expect any more happy times!
But, the challenge is to face it and wait for it to clear...

There is another catch though (as always with life)...
Even when you know the fair weather is right ahead for sure, and there is sure confirmation too... you tell urself not to assume. you tell urself that it is wrong to build castles in the air... rather - dont assume and wait for an actual one to materialize. Dont hope so much. if it crashes, it will be shattering!

And between this hope and self-proctection, u are caught... waiting for THAT fair weather... that blissful moment!

Mar 28, 2007

Orkut woes!

Yes, fat, ugly, deprived, and one-track minded perverts exist in the world. That i always knew. And obviously you cant avoid such people cos the world is peopled with them. But, when you do come face to face with them, the least you can do is not run away scared. Hell, they are more cowardly than anyone you would ever know.

And when a public networking site, that has been opened with so-called positive goals of allowing 'bichde yaars' to meet falls prey to their lech and drool systems, as they slowly weave their ugly web into the larger Webworld, its time to realise that the society needs a clean-up drive. I mean, how much possible is it to keep avoiding places - virtual or real, just because such peeps invade these territories? the only possible way i see that happening is if you decide to restrict yourself to a four-walled, curtained room far away from civilization, and technology, living on food grown by urself and never meeting anyone from the 'outside world'. Quite an exile that would be!

And if not the exile, you have only two choices - run, run, run as fast as you can as soon as you spot someone who is remotely close to despo and hide in the first shelter that you find, drawing back all your resources and staying underground for a long time OR just face them determined to throw them out of wherever you are at least because considering they are such cowards and considering they are wrong in violating your space, they will get punished if reported!

And i can assure, that if everyone stops running away as if some earthquake has struck and faces this menace, it can be rid of. but no! Will people ever do that? Hah! What a joke! Will people ever come together and try to fight these menaces? hah! Cant see that happening! All that will be done is one person stands up, tries to shout and the others, equally troubled, just cower down under their seats and shelters, asking that one person to also join them as "nothing will happen, this is of no use...the menaces will not listen and this will continue"! I dare say... "You all are wrong!"

Orkut, opened as a site for friends to meet, did have a flood of friendship requests. But none very harmful. And slowly it has degraded into becoming a site where these cowards seek some sort of vago 'gratification'. Unable to hold themselves in real life, they seek the virtual world... plagiarise pictures, generate obsceneties, invade spaces, revel in troubling others... and as far as i see, this only gives them a false 'power' that they seek and lack in reality. The site needs to be cleaned up... such things eradicated. And yes, some laws updated. How can taking a picture from someone's album and misusing it not be an offense? How can you be allowed to take a picture from someone's album in the 1st place???

CLEAN IT UP I SAY!! the idea is good, and i do manage to keep in touch with people i would have stayed away from for years otw due to lack of contact. But then, I dont want unnnecessary invasions, cowardly menaces to plagiarise my world!

Mar 5, 2007

OF READING MINDS

Aah there i go again... finding it difficult to know what goes on in people's heads and how people think! Again, for like the millionth time, i really really do wish i had a mind-reader. Would have made communication so much more easier for me when u know what the other person may be thinking... but sigh, doesnt everyone wish for that? Sadly, we are humans, the species that is said to be the most 'brainy', but that very fact is what makes it so difficult too. How nice if like animals we were just instinctive, not bothering abt what the other animal thinks and liking, disliking, love, hatred, all being so instinctive and transparent! You know when there is anger, you know when there is affection, you know when there is liking... and its all for real... there is nothing hidden, no mask, no farce, and no performance. If there is fear, it is real fear, and not fear of being wrong, or saying wrong, or doing wrong or falling for the wrong! Nothing is WRONG. And if there is, who cares!
But, we are humans, and we have the fear of the wrong, we have the bane of thinking too much, and so we suffer!
WE THINK!

Feb 3, 2007

Gut feelings!

It is quite strange but when something is happening and your mind and everything else is working in the right way, there is something else that finds a small voice. The gut feeling interrupts sometimes when something is happening, or you are just acrrying on with what is usual or maybe 'natural', like going with the flow.
And it is most shocking to hear this small voice at these times because, firstly it isnt expected and secondly, it is almost always in opposition to the rest of you!
It is quite wierd, because just when u feel everything is going right, there it is to stun you for a second. And you dont know what to do. You should just continue with whatever's happening and ignore it cos everything seems so very right, or fret over the voice and suspect and dont know what else!! Just dont know!! Damn the gut feelings!!! Such a nuisance... how to handle them, what to do with them???!!!

Jan 25, 2007

Out of Hibernation...

It does seem like I was in hibernation what with no entries for so long. I just feel like entering anything. Sometimes there is so much happening, not physically but within your head that you just dont know what to put down. I just wanted to keep it within my head for some time, waiting for it to register, settle itself, sort itself out.

Lots has happened in this time though...

Couple of weeks ago i fought with some people in the train. I was in the 2nd class ladies compartment accompanying a friend and we were returning home. Adjoining the compartment was a tiny cubicle sort of general compartment with the 'window' between both compartments where people from both sides can see each other. The window is one of those 'leching devices' that the train offers and the men can have a field day throughout their journey peeping into the adjoining compartment. Getting back to the point, that compartment had some 'bhajan-singers' and no sooner did the train start, than they started with their singing and playing. What was most annoying was the loud noise that the symble-like instruments made. It made my head throb and i noticed i wasnt the only one getting disturbed. But everyone chose to bear it quietly. After a while i couldnt take it and despite protests from my friend i got up and approached those people requesting them to please stop their singing as it was greatly disturbing everyone. They had no right to disturb other people for their pleasure. I told them I am not against your devotion or any religious practices, but 'Bhakti' is not singing loudly and troubling others but it is taking the name of God and also respecting other people's space. I asked them to respect our space and please stop. They said they would after one song.
I waited.
And they continued.
This made me even more furious and I got up and started shouting at them. The leader came to the 'window' from where i was talking to them and asked me if it was the 1st time i was travelling in the compartment, and then asked me to go sit down!!! And what was worse was the attitude of the other ladies in the compartment. They chose to put cotton in their ears, and when i voiced out my opinion, told me that it was no use and if i wanted to complain i should go to the police. I had a good mind to tell them what i thought about their complacence, but controlled myself.
And to add to my furiosity was another similar incident that had happened a few months ago when i was travelling in the general 1st class with a few friends. The adjoining 2nd class had some people singing similarly and I did want to get up and ask them to stop as i wasnt feeling well then and the noise was making me feel dizzy and nauseous. But my friend accompanying me stopped me saying that these people have a lot of influence and contacts with the wrong people and if you speak up, it may have bad consequences. That did not deter me and i still wanted to get up and tell them, but i was held down by him. So, i called up the Churchgate Station ARO's office from my cell phone informing the policeman on the other side about the din and disturbance. The reply shocked me even more as he said he couldnt do anything as the train was moving and i would have to go to the Churghgate station office and file a complaint with the train timings, etc and then they would try and take some action if they could. I told them wat about the fact that i am getting disturbed now? And i got no reply from the other end. i just gave a rude thank you and cut the call.

These two incidents have set me thinking.

What can we do if we face any disturbance like this? Is this a sort of religious fanaticism and how can it be curbed? Isnt religion more about caring for each other and respecting other people, then where did this sort of selfishness and mindless 'devotion' come about? Why has the indifference and complacence developed in the minds of people and the general attitude is we cant do anything about it, so we might as well bear it? No one tries. And if anyone does try, he/she is asked to keep quiet and reminded about the fruitlessness of the effort. Isnt a public place for everyone, then how come these people can continue doing what they want without regard for others who have also paid and who have an equal right to that space? The government goes on bothering about material things and making the city into 'Shanghai' but the first step required is developing an attitude in people that teaches them to respect. Respect others, respect space, respect places and respect your city. This lack of respect is the reason for pan stains on "Do not spit here" signs or rude remark coming your way when you try to help someone...
RESPECT... that is what is needed, and minds that are ACTIVE...minds that are more ready to voice their opinions and can realise the result of radical stances rather than just tolerating!

RESPECT!!!!!!

Jan 5, 2007

WROTE THIS IN CLASS TODAY...

I CAN SEE ME

Picking up a steel spoon,
In it, I can SEE me;
Scrubbing the floor tiles,
Once they’re clean, I can SEE me.
Looking out the window,
The civilization outside roars,
Turning back in, In the window glass,
I can SEE me.
Walking down the road,
Shops have glass doors – shut,
But walking in them with me,
I can SEE me.
The large mirror at the dressing table,
Shows me a world so similar,
In it too, mimicking my actions,
I can SEE me.

Away from these distorted worlds
When I try to find me,
I can feel, I can sense, But I can’t SEE me.




- © HAEM ROY

Jan 3, 2007

VACATIONS OVER...(sob, sob)



CUTTING THROUGH

A yellow bird
Flits
from tree to tree.
The grass spying on it.
The wind distracting everyone
as its laugh still echoes after it runs away.
The corn stalks gossiping about
the crazy squirrel scurrying.
The bees and butterflies
trying to chase the wind;
but the smiling flowers woo them back.
The sun taking a nap high above
softly aware of all the activity.

The purring turns into a roar
as the motorbike cuts through the little world
And moves ahead.

- © HAEM ROY 


Sigh! The vacations are gone. They have disappeared without a trace and we have been dragged back to routine and more. The laziness still hasn't subsided and I have to keep telling myself how bad the situation is and how much i need to do. Maybe that'll "bring some tension into my head" like my best friend says. I desperately need that being the kinds who works best under pressure.

Today, I was feeling quite light. The cold, yet pleasant weather with the end-of-Christmas feel brought a certain bounce in the air which affected me. I was lazy yes, but yet bouncy and very spirited too. I felt like being a prankster, jumping around college, talking away endlessly and just being, just existing. It felt nice, burdenless for once.

Until we got the warning and exam instructions from teachers of course. But well, the spirit finally overpowered the tension for the day at least as I went around shouting greetings and smiling as widely as I could.

For the heavy part, we also had a nice discussion on the evil in man and its inherentness. Svagery, crime, etc and the state of the world today and the attitude and emotions of the people in this age and time. This was a discussion that emerged from a combination of my earlier entry which was still plaguing my thoughts and a study of Golding's The Lord Of The Flies in class. The book talks about the very same thing and is quite a shocker in many ways. Here, children are given the quialities that are generally attributed to adults and it adds to the surprise and shock. All value systems are questioned. For me, that led to a questioning of present mentality and future possibilities. Sometimes I get surprised at the fact that I get so deep into something and get so reflective. In other words, I do surprise myself at such times thanks to my own thoughts and the tangents and digressions and theories they adopt.

Back to the light part - I was enjoying the feel and mood and was cuddling up in my oversize sweatshirt, which I quite liked. And I left college relatively early today too, which is something rare. The best part - the survey guy, Krishna, in college. I filled a questionairre for him and earned 100 bucks!!! Yaaaaaay!

(That I spent 280 bucks in buying Rebecca and Look Back in Anger is a separate fact and I WILL NOT allow that to interfere with my elation on getting some money at least!!)

Jan 1, 2007

CARNIVOROUS HUMANS!!

What a start to the NEW YEAR! While the whole world rings in the New Year with a lot of celebration, there are a few children who will never see it. It is quite appalling to hear that someone who can be categorised as human could so brutally abuse and kill children.

The Noida killings are quite a shocker for the whole country! At this moment at the onset of the New Year when everyone wishes for good luck and better times ahead, comes the news that the times are getting worse.
Watching the 'censored' visuals on television I wondered, is this like a warning? While we continue to live devoid of all sensitiveness and working in a perfectly mechanic way according to routine, the world is getting disintegrated. With all care and concern disappearing, the meaning of 'human' is just becoming a biological definition.

Sitting at home it is easy to criticise what the government or the BMC or George Bush are doing, and everyone is used to the easy way out now. Who will bother to raise a voice and publicly raise the issue? A small disapproval in front of the idiot box while mumbling a few abuses at the wrong-doer will do! This 'Chalta Hai' that once made Mumbaikars famous will prove to be the death knell. It is the loophole that allows the biggest of problems to stay and stagnate because it is being tolerated and hence it grows. That the problem will explode one day and kill everyone is something that is chosen to be ignored.
The train blasts shook everyone. But life was normal soon enough and that was appreciated as the 'spirit of the city'. Spirit bullshit! It was nothing but a lack of choice. Given an option everyone would stay at home, but then who would feed the family?The bureaucrats try to encourage this attitude so that their faults and incompetencies are well-hidden and ignored. And how well do they do it i must say!Let me NOT get into politics... or my talks will never stop!

Coming back to the word human... 'humanity' now is just a species. Who cares for fellow human beings. Saving your own tail is first priority. Economic progress is certainly there, but that has brought with it many other things. The idea of self-realisation and identity is a great one... and i am a believer in it too. I do believe in finding one's own path in life and trying hard to make one's mark. But that does not mean that the lives of others have to be staked. I had a discussion about Individuality and Unity earlier and the same applies here. Humanity means being one spirit, a whole and feeling for other people, which no longer exists.

If it did, such heinous crimes would not occur. Only one has been revealed through the Noida killings. No one knows how many more lives are being staked for personal gains in other parts of the country or world. No one knows the extent to which this rust has spread and is weakening the iron pillars of humanity cos it is deep inside where not many can see. Only when the building will collapse will the inner core be exposed. Unless someone who knows the insides dares to come into the open and reveal. Unless the iron conquers the other forces and decides to fight back actively. Unless the iron is used, it will rust in the open.

I have a scary feeling inside me whenever i hear of any crime. I have a scarier feeling when i hear of political scams and corruption. I wonder, what if everyone in power becomes such? Will the world continue to exist? Won't extinction occur then? Everyone will just kill everyone else and well, the population problem will be solved, won't it?

I noticed here, E is a very important letter. Unless it is added to human and the species is made HUMANE, it will become the E of EXTINCTION!

Its like this hypothetical situation, What if only carnivores lived in this world?

Anyways, considering vegetarians are still alive along with the cows and goats, i can say...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
May you not get eaten up by anyone!

Dec 23, 2006

SPREZZATURA!!!

We had a small Christmas party today in the Lit class... well sort of. Somehow Aarefa n me got planning, even we dont know how. And somehow, before we knew it, we were already halfway thru the planning - cakes, soft drinks, sum food was arranged and sum decorations were pitched in. We reached early today n added some spunk to the classroom with the festoons. Everyone was excited about Secret Santa too. yaaay, gifts! And the best part was that this was the first time our class was doing something together, teachers included. Some signs of unity finally!
And, to add to it, our class sweatshirts were coming in! We felt like a class... at least i felt like the class was a class, one batch, and not a juxtaposition of several groups randomly put together...!
The party came, and was over in no time. Some just didnt bother to stay for it. Some thought it was stupid. And all this after EVERYONE agreed for it...!!!! It was quite a downer. We still had fun. The cake was gobbled and over in no time. We went crazy clicking mad and funny pictures with the class and posing with our new sweatshirts. And with my funky santa cap with snowflakes on it:D. And the good part was 'the absurd group' of the class was actively participating, and how. It felt nice. It felt like one class, like the ENGLISH BATCH OF 06-07.
And a few of us were dancing to silly songs, singing 'ghaati' numbers and just having a lot of fun while bonding, till late afternoon.

Another dampener to the day was a spoilsport classmate. He spoiled our moods and ruined the spirit. A fight and argument ensued, with me defending Alison and pointing out that he was wrong. Finally we managed to convince him (yaaay, i can argue, and how!!!) and resumed our fun. We couldn't let anyone spoil our fun for us.

But, I have realised I dont understand people and their various sides. It quite puzzles me. Why is it that people always turn out to be quite different from what they seem. I guess now i have lerant its nothing new. But i still cant help losing my temper when that happens. I do believe that there is something called individuality. I do believe there are personal opinions. But i also believe there is something called the world that exists that is made up of many such individualities. And if these individualities try to isolate themselves and stand up on their own, the world will crash. there has to be some unity, some merging and some understanding. I strongly believe in the much-used but very much true saying that NO MAN IS AN ISLAND! If you have to assert your individuality, its a good thing, but no one can do that without the existence of the 'others'. And therefore the 'other' holds a very significant place in everyone's life which is to be respected. And with that respect should come acceptance of others' opinions.
One can live as an individsual but a certain amount of conformity is necessary. and not calling it conformity, i would like to call that an expression of unity and understanding. its a mutual assertion of the fact that there is a certain dependence on each other and that it is respected.


And i really get angry and frustrated when people fail to understand that. Its like they are living in such a closed world that they refuse to see anything beyond themselves. They are as much a part of the social set as anybody else, but they just refuse to see that.

And that is exactly what happened. A confusion between self and 'others' and between conformity and unity, between individuality and society, separating and demarcating everything into separate halves, not realising that they are somehow related.

Well, i rejoice in my individuality that makes its mark while conforming at the same time!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS I SAY... and celebrate the spirit. Be the one with all and not the all-in-one cos thats quite a lonely person to be on Christmas :)

P.S: My secret Santa gave me a china clay showpiece which "resembles me". Thank You i say! And yeh, SPREZZATURA!! is the slogan we have on the back of our sweatshirts. It loosely means 'spontaenous outburst!'

Dec 20, 2006

Draping thoughts


Yesterday was Traditional Day!! And i was in a Saree, this time black n scarlet.

As i draped the saree around myself in the morning I was thinking of what I would do all day long and how much fun I would have. I was draping my thoughts around me along with the saree. And i was feeling nice, and sexy and happy. It would be my last traditional day. I had friends performing on stage. I had friends in the hostel which open to visitors only on this day.
And to add to that was my Literature class and my gang of close friends. The excitement and thought of having a good time naturally came.
I strutted into college, looked around, didnt find many people I knew (which is
strange cos i can confidently say I know a LOT of people). I finally bumped into some classmates and was hanging around with them. The funniest part was me and my best friend trying to locate each other when our phones had no network! I would go into the hall and she would come out to look for me and vice versa. This must have happened quite a few times after which I finally found her.

What I found strange, more with myself than with anyone else was a feeling I had. I am very comfy in a saree and was free to jump n run and dance. But I didnt feel like it. I was quite low and not at all motivated or even excited to do anything. I felt almost despressed and without any reason. I wanted to be normal and jump and run about but I wasnt enthusiastic enough. I was feeling lost, isolated from everything. And I did not know WHY!!It felt like quite a strange mix in my head... various emotions bubbling without reason or even definition.

SOMETHING’S MISSING

a VOID- hollowness
Breeze drilling through you
It’s not just your ReflEction in that puddle
that’s restless, It’s a reflection of you.

An incomplete WhOLe you feel like
A leaking jar –
filled to the brim
You don’t know where that bastard piercing is
that’s draining the you out of you.




© HAEM ROY


Getting myself to dance I hung around in college till 7 with some friends and enjoyed the college ambience, which never ceases to wonder me and fill me with awe and pride. I didnt visit the hostel. I didnt meet many people from my class. I cant say I enjoyed a lot, but I had a little fun. I went on a picture clicking spree and enjoyed it.


Today was a relatively better day. Some matters were discussed in class and for the first time the class was united and we made a decision. For the first time we could spot the enthusiasm or agreement on everyone's faces and it propelled us forward. We are making an effort as a class to do various things, to preserve our memory as a class and good ones too. And these good memories are slowly getting created. Bit by bit our class is becoming a class. I am waiting for the day when the differently coloured pieces of glass becme a meaningful collage and create something different, unique and one.
Now its time for me to sit down and sort stuff out. Prelim exams in Feb(aaargh!). Presentations in Jan. University paper drafts due this week. Honours submissions. And I am lethargic! I need to sort myself out and then all my work and begin it on a full scale.
Sigh... hope I am able to finish everything on time...

Dec 18, 2006

A paper crown for me?

It is a nice feeling to win. A very nice feeling i must add. Feeds the ego. And I am no different obviously. I feel confident of myself and its the best motivation in the world. But then, another factor that matters is the context. How bad is the competition, or how good? How fair is the system that operates it? And after considering all that, does it still remain the same? Does the elation still last? Is the crown real or just a flimsy paper one?

Yes and No.

A victory is subject to conditions like I have mentioned. But it is nonetheless a victory. And so the feel-good part is always there. Even if you compete against the worst of people, the fact is that you won and that isolated fact in itself is enough to make you feel good.

On the other hand, it is also important how deep is your sense of victory. When you know you have won when there were only two more to compete with and that you had an edge cos you were older, or more specialised, or had more experience or something, the elation decreases. But when you know u have won where there was good competition, it cannot be described! Relativity I say.

And that I realised today in a great way. And i saw both sides, experienced both.

Still, I won!!! :D

But, another dark side of this equation is the losing part, which i saw too. One, you lose when you aren't worthy enough or haven't prepared. Or someone's better than you. You do feel bad f course and regret it majorly. That is the competitive spirit. But you realise that it had to happen.
On the other hand is when you know you deserve to win and there is some kind of unfair judgement or discrepancy in the procedure. That makes you feel worse cos you cant help it but you know inside that the position was yours. And if you are the I-can't-take-injustice types, which i am, it is even more bad cos it makes you not only sad but angry and frustrated.

So technically speaking, I may have gained a lot or lost a lot, but I did understand the ways of life and dealt with a lot more. Now isn't that good? (Feel-good hormones are back!)

Oh and another good part is tomorrow is Traditional Day. I get to wear a sari and strut around. Yaaaay!
But, my university projects are killing me with tension. As always I am confused about where to start and structure. My casual style interrupts the academic paper and restricts me majorly. Even the literary theories taught in class are understood by me in a very reductive way.But the good part is, at least I understand them and so am better off than some others.I am feeling lethargic as usual, and don't feel like sitting down to finish my project. I guess its an overdose of doing too much. I should learn to choose and cut down. But thankfully the projects I have chosen - one on Realism in Hrishikesh Mukherjee's movies with a focus on Chupke Chupke and Golmaal and another on Youth in Advertising and the city - are quite interesting. Only problem will be compiling my info and choosing between and adding my varied opinions along with the literary theories and technical terms. Sigh... here i go!

Dec 12, 2006

Tug of war

A couple of weeks ago, I had a tussle with my two selves. I have a practical person sitting inside me on one side, and an out an out adventure seeking romantic crazy whacked out person on the other. and they keep squabbling like siblings. The crazy one comes up with wierd ideas and the other shoots them down. At times I hate my practical self cos it restricts me, doesnt allow me to take too many risks, explore, do something without bothering about the results. But at other times I am thankful for it. I have been saved from falling into the wrong places so many times because of the practical side intervening and taking over. It has given me the strength to keep moving on in life no matter what happens with you. I have come out of depressing phases, bad situations and got a hold on myself because of practicality and I am glad I can do that.

This tug of war has made the spaced out, confused, crazy, unpredictable, random, analysing, futuristic person that I am. And well, I guess I like myself that way. At least I am balanced, i guess.
(Yes, this is one of my narcissistic phases where I am happy with my own self mostly, and discovering my good sides. Isn't it obvious? Will get over it soon?)

TUG OF WAR

Caught between two ends
Both distant and far
A tug-of-war so intense;
None ready to let go of the rope.

But the poor rope
It's plight unseen
It knows not whether to stay or break
It's strength tested to its limits.
Every pull a trauma
grips tightening with time
Equal forces on both sides it seems
None ready to forego the winning honour.

Does it have the power
to decide its outcome?
To end the torture, and
fall lifeless on the ground?
Hanging in mid-air
weighing the options
knowing it can do nothing
It just looks at both ends.

Side A - the Abstainees,
holding back the rope,
Though not pulling it much,
they do not let it go.
Strong as ever
with practicality and sense, they say,
"We look at logic,
our side though hard, yet firm,
no wavering, the ground stiff, cemented,
and the rope must fall here.
'Cos thats sensible,
the result being clear."

Side B - the Bouncers
jump up to defend
with all thier strength they tug
trying to pull the rope to their end.
A little marshy, with soft mud,
the ground they tread on is dodgy;
"But its not hard and will not hurt much.
The rope will fall shakily yet softly;
we cannot say for sure where it will drop, but if it falls far from the line
maybe the fall will be smooth
and it can relax without cuts or sores."
They seem unsure, yet inviting,
as they continue with their excited tugging.

Pullig harder at the rope, both ends try;
the poor rope meanwhile, waiting for the tussle to die.



- © HAEM ROY 

Dec 11, 2006

SQUARE WITH ROUND EDGES


This poem i wrote recently gave me my blog title.

SQUARE WITH ROUND EDGES

Look alike… I DO
I am too but a square
The square pegs before me filled
Yet there seems to be space for this spare.

And again hard I try
Jump in, dive in, squeeze through to my peg
Fit into my cubicle in the huge ice-tray
Crawl in slowly, or even edge in leg by leg.

Everytime I manage
Fit in, adjust, and get through
It just seems uncomfortable
The cubicle seems so unfamiliar, so untrue.

I may still be a square and not a round
May not be one of the unnecessary wedges
Yet I feel empty spaces in the corners
Maybe I am just a square but with round edges.




- © HAEM ROY

The 1st!

Well, my 1st entry here.

Getting a broadband connection is quite funky I realised! But its not as good as I thought, especially when you are not home until 7 pm, and then have to fight with your younger brother for the comp, and to add to it, are not used to sitting in one place for long (let alone punishing your eyes with the comp screen)! And staying up late is fine and possible, except that because wake-up call is 5.30 am, the eyes begin to complain and torture you, slowly and steadily!

But anyways, moving on, now that I am here...
I have been in one of poetry moods these days. I am churning out quite a lot of them, and they are very bad either. And now i have finally realised what my style is - alternate, pensive, abstract and allegorical usually. I love the fact that people can extract their own meanings out of them. I guess this has come out of my love for the Post-modern concept of the interpretation of the reader and of misreading. Even when i am reading something, I take delight in the work if I am allowed to interpret it and think about the stuff written or the theme, etc. Isn't it cool if something you read teaches you to argue with yourself? You are the one defending a certain point and you are the one speaking against it too. And even if its not an argument, there is a certain aggressiveness that comes in when you read certain works or even movies and music that makes you want to be vocal, want to speak up, question, wonder, do something.

If I think of movies like that, the first that comes to my mind is Clockwork Orange. It just set my mind whirring away with so much in it that I felt it will burst open any moment. Upturning all notions that you know, it still doesn't seem wrong and you end up questioning even yourself and existence.

A few days ago when i was in one of my self-reflective moods (they come so often!!), I wrote something which even I was puzzled with when i read later. When I made friends read it, some liked it, some didn't understand it and some just gave me blank looks. It's a poem called

CANDLELIGHT MERCIES.

A
sudden convoluted minor-looking scratch
throbbing, piercing through;
Cries for mercy
Ringing.
Its trapped, its trapped
Witnesses are but a few

Pretending to see the invisible
Visions of the Psychic?
Sixth sense?
Foresight?
Can a zebra’s rash
Affect how a donkey kicks?

The iron clearing out the creases
Rather creating space
for more to come
Gradually.
Creases that demarcate the cotton
From the Silks, Satins and the Lace.

London’s bridge keeps rebuilding itself
yet the left-behinds peep through
gaze at the crossing vehicles
Speeding
A direction is set again, clearly, accidents and aimless wanderings, will continue.

The candle is in my hand, illuminating
A few metres ahead clearly seen now
but all around the ahead still lies
Darkness.
Your careful steps create screaming echoes
who can rescue you from the future?

Trapped trapped in your own darkness
The candle enlightens just right ahead
Further on the path twists and curves
With dark and dangerous bends
Guiding you is your light
But it shows not the darkness;
The dead end has been imagined
The length of the path unknown.
Still more unknown are the blackouts
Stealing of your matchsticks then
forks, choices, splits, junctions
Candles do not push you around
The sad delight lies in what they show
Too many paths when you need not know.
Brightening when you walk in jest
But winds hover around forever
A blackout looming always
And finally
You reach where you know not.

The sudden minor scratch unnoticed, calls for attention
While the candle is being lighted, honed
The journey will start. All throbbing
IGNORED.
But the screams will continue till the end
Its trapped. Potential help deafened.

- © HAEM ROY