A UNI-VERSE ABOUT A UNIVERSE

Walking along the brim of the universe
I decided to peep into the bowl,
Walking along the edge on top
I could see existence as a whole.
Moving, running, circling
Chasing other forms
Playing throwball- 'There goes a comet'
Or simply cheering along.
A huge hotch-potch of all games
Being played all at once
Clashes, fights, jumps and roars
Everything living a life of its own.
Every form affixed a place
Every game having rules
I could see them, predict or imagine
Believing this is how it works.
But beliefs are fragile,
brittle and unstable,
mirages and illusions,
fairytales and fables.
Looking from the brim,
I couldn't figure it out
Everything had changed
All jumbled around.
A huge upheaval
the games are changing
A change of positions
Chaos between settling down.
Illusions faced me
As old expectations arose
Broken by the suddenness of the change
Images broke down, defroze.
The change was constant,
The illusions around me fluttered,
I looked at the universe around me
Surprised, shaken and bewildered.

- © HAEM ROY
10th November, 2007

Buzzy Fly - Mission 'Harass Haem'!!

"It has become so hot. The sun has decided to roast my poor delicate body. Now its impossible to fly around any longer. I will have to get some rest. Maybe a parapet or a tree will do for a while.

Hey what it that? The weather!! O My God, its changing. I can see the clouds coming. I can sense them. I will have to tell my fellowmates and warn them. We have to start planning now and start buzzing around in groups.

'Hey guys! Did you notice the change in the weather? Its here now. Any moment. Come on, lets gang up now. Its the attack season, the season on invasion. Lets prepare our strategy.'

This is what we do every time. We are now buzzing in groups or rather a swarm as you would term it. Oh my God, its starting to rain!!

'Come on warriors, that house there. I see the window open. Lets rush in everyone. Fast fast, move it!

Try and invade each and every corner of the house that you can. The rain will not get us here. We are quite safe. Just be alert of those stupid fly swatters. Have your reflexes on guard.

Oh look there... target spotted. I think it will be good to start attack. Everyone move towards the human. Her name is Haem. Surround her.

Now, everyone, remember your job is to keep on buzzing in her ear. Create as much noise as possible. But never do that in a way that she can see you. Stay out of sight. That is more irritating. The other, groups 2 and 3, you are in charge of the hand and torso. Work like you are playing Kabaddi. You have to touch and fly away. Just remember, touch and fly away, and do it in turns. Never at the same side. When one finishes his turn on one side, the other takes over on the other and then back to one, and so on.

Groups 4 and 5, leg area. Keep moving around it and while circulating, like groups 2 and 3, keep touching and flying away. Remember, fly within sight for some time and then disappear and then come back within sight. All this has to be very quick.

Group 6 should be incharge of food. Everytime a plate or any morsel is spotted, it is your job to attack it. Hover over it, sit on it, and dont let Haem peacefully finish it. We have our right on it too, so while some can distract her by flying around her, the rest can deal with the food.

I will be incharge of overall supervision, and will continue to hover everywhere, and distract as much as possible.

MISSION BEGIN!!'

We have begun our mission and the hovering continues. This will be our daily task till the rains stop. And since the windows will not be closed always, we always have a way to enter. Once we are in, who can shoo us out. Sometimes they try and scare us with napkins but we fool them as we pretend to get out of the house and come right back in.

Its invasion time, and our mission -
HARASS HAEM AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. NOT TO LET HER EAT AND SIT IN PEACE AND KEEP BUZZING AND KEEP BUZZING. HA HA!"

Try it!

Have you ever tried talking to them? Have you tried playfully asking them nonsensical question when they come begging to you, like you do normally with kids? And have you had the fortune of seeing the smiles on their faces?

Project Care, conversations at the sea side, smiles while I am walking, talks in the train... lots of times and lots of smiles I can remember.

I say, TRY IT. Its worth it.

The smile that was still there

A ragged pair of shorts on the plump body lay

debating whether to fall or not,

tousled hair more like the styles of today,

dark skin contrasting with the cream interiors of the local train;

staggering steps automatically finding their way.

Approaching you as soon as you are seen taking a bite

from your food, the lunch leftovers,

Hovering and staring, eyeing the bit,

Trying to pick it from your very fingers;

Not asking for money no whining no crying,

Not even a frown, no beggar seemed he,

Walking aimlessly without a word spoken

Just looking for something for a starving tummy.

Used to the urchins wandering in the trains

And stopping the gush of pity that flows,

You just hand over the food to him

As he grabs the offering, reminding you of scavenger crows.

You watch as he gobbles

And are filled with a feeling so different,

It’s pity, though not so distressing,

Sympathy – with more of compassion,

Sorrow – for the state, the extent of wasted lives,

Happiness – for having removed life-taking hunger,

Wonder – at something that so mysteriously arrives,

All mixed up somewhere deep inside,

None ready to subside.

The food is over, but the hunger lingers,

As he looks at you with grateful hope

Though he knows he can’t get any more.

And then he looks at you

With eyes that strike,

Sad, tired, yet twinkling,

Black and beady and uncannily bright;

And then you see the sign, the sign that says it all,

A smile of brown and disfigured teeth,

A smile despite the hunger, despite a lack of reason,

A smile, that has innocence hidden beneath.

Ten years of life or maybe more

Was what it took for that being to be so,

And was the time worth it

When now he has to forage for a meal, a leftover bit;

Yet, the smile is still there…

A satisfaction strangely soars,

A still it is, no picture perfect,

It haunts you, flashes often, out of nowhere,

Humbles, reminds, touches a chord

The smile that was still there.

- © HAEM ROY

EVERYDAY....

Just penned this in between studying... a sorta break between struggling with Ideology and Structuralism or the likes...

EVERYDAY…

Everyday…
I sit upon the very same wall.
Staring, gazing
Looking at the nothingness around it.
Everyday it’s the same routine.
I know I have to climb it daily
I know I have to sit and stare
But still that knowledge is not enough
‘Cos there is the fear of falling
Or hurt that I may have to bear.
What if I do not climb the wall some day?
What if I decide to penetrate the nothingness?
It will be a new experience
An entry to the unknown, a new door,
Made by my decision to stray.
The new way may be a dead end
Or a myth with monsters
But it’s different, I dare say,
Better than the wall
And its endlessness,
Better than the fear of falling.
The door opened may have just rocks.
But, a door has been opened
Leading me out of the nothingness…
Everyday…
Is now another day…
Taking me with my blindfolds
Allowing me to feel it
Everyday…
- © HAEM ROY 
3rd April, 2007

Life's unexpected turns...

You are going smoothly... certain doubts in mind troubling you...
But, in time, the doubts clear and then you see the bright sky as you look forward to the approaching good weather that you know is coming...
And suddenly... bump! there is a crash as something jolts you out of this happiness. There is thunder, there is a drak cloud, trying to keep you from moving ahead, trying to get you to stop, and not expect any more happy times!
But, the challenge is to face it and wait for it to clear...

There is another catch though (as always with life)...
Even when you know the fair weather is right ahead for sure, and there is sure confirmation too... you tell urself not to assume. you tell urself that it is wrong to build castles in the air... rather - dont assume and wait for an actual one to materialize. Dont hope so much. if it crashes, it will be shattering!

And between this hope and self-proctection, u are caught... waiting for THAT fair weather... that blissful moment!

Orkut woes!

Yes, fat, ugly, deprived, and one-track minded perverts exist in the world. That i always knew. And obviously you cant avoid such people cos the world is peopled with them. But, when you do come face to face with them, the least you can do is not run away scared. Hell, they are more cowardly than anyone you would ever know.

And when a public networking site, that has been opened with so-called positive goals of allowing 'bichde yaars' to meet falls prey to their lech and drool systems, as they slowly weave their ugly web into the larger Webworld, its time to realise that the society needs a clean-up drive. I mean, how much possible is it to keep avoiding places - virtual or real, just because such peeps invade these territories? the only possible way i see that happening is if you decide to restrict yourself to a four-walled, curtained room far away from civilization, and technology, living on food grown by urself and never meeting anyone from the 'outside world'. Quite an exile that would be!

And if not the exile, you have only two choices - run, run, run as fast as you can as soon as you spot someone who is remotely close to despo and hide in the first shelter that you find, drawing back all your resources and staying underground for a long time OR just face them determined to throw them out of wherever you are at least because considering they are such cowards and considering they are wrong in violating your space, they will get punished if reported!

And i can assure, that if everyone stops running away as if some earthquake has struck and faces this menace, it can be rid of. but no! Will people ever do that? Hah! What a joke! Will people ever come together and try to fight these menaces? hah! Cant see that happening! All that will be done is one person stands up, tries to shout and the others, equally troubled, just cower down under their seats and shelters, asking that one person to also join them as "nothing will happen, this is of no use...the menaces will not listen and this will continue"! I dare say... "You all are wrong!"

Orkut, opened as a site for friends to meet, did have a flood of friendship requests. But none very harmful. And slowly it has degraded into becoming a site where these cowards seek some sort of vago 'gratification'. Unable to hold themselves in real life, they seek the virtual world... plagiarise pictures, generate obsceneties, invade spaces, revel in troubling others... and as far as i see, this only gives them a false 'power' that they seek and lack in reality. The site needs to be cleaned up... such things eradicated. And yes, some laws updated. How can taking a picture from someone's album and misusing it not be an offense? How can you be allowed to take a picture from someone's album in the 1st place???

CLEAN IT UP I SAY!! the idea is good, and i do manage to keep in touch with people i would have stayed away from for years otw due to lack of contact. But then, I dont want unnnecessary invasions, cowardly menaces to plagiarise my world!

OF READING MINDS

Aah there i go again... finding it difficult to know what goes on in people's heads and how people think! Again, for like the millionth time, i really really do wish i had a mind-reader. Would have made communication so much more easier for me when u know what the other person may be thinking... but sigh, doesnt everyone wish for that? Sadly, we are humans, the species that is said to be the most 'brainy', but that very fact is what makes it so difficult too. How nice if like animals we were just instinctive, not bothering abt what the other animal thinks and liking, disliking, love, hatred, all being so instinctive and transparent! You know when there is anger, you know when there is affection, you know when there is liking... and its all for real... there is nothing hidden, no mask, no farce, and no performance. If there is fear, it is real fear, and not fear of being wrong, or saying wrong, or doing wrong or falling for the wrong! Nothing is WRONG. And if there is, who cares!
But, we are humans, and we have the fear of the wrong, we have the bane of thinking too much, and so we suffer!
WE THINK!

Gut feelings!

It is quite strange but when something is happening and your mind and everything else is working in the right way, there is something else that finds a small voice. The gut feeling interrupts sometimes when something is happening, or you are just acrrying on with what is usual or maybe 'natural', like going with the flow.
And it is most shocking to hear this small voice at these times because, firstly it isnt expected and secondly, it is almost always in opposition to the rest of you!
It is quite wierd, because just when u feel everything is going right, there it is to stun you for a second. And you dont know what to do. You should just continue with whatever's happening and ignore it cos everything seems so very right, or fret over the voice and suspect and dont know what else!! Just dont know!! Damn the gut feelings!!! Such a nuisance... how to handle them, what to do with them???!!!

Out of Hibernation...

It does seem like I was in hibernation what with no entries for so long. I just feel like entering anything. Sometimes there is so much happening, not physically but within your head that you just dont know what to put down. I just wanted to keep it within my head for some time, waiting for it to register, settle itself, sort itself out.

Lots has happened in this time though...

Couple of weeks ago i fought with some people in the train. I was in the 2nd class ladies compartment accompanying a friend and we were returning home. Adjoining the compartment was a tiny cubicle sort of general compartment with the 'window' between both compartments where people from both sides can see each other. The window is one of those 'leching devices' that the train offers and the men can have a field day throughout their journey peeping into the adjoining compartment. Getting back to the point, that compartment had some 'bhajan-singers' and no sooner did the train start, than they started with their singing and playing. What was most annoying was the loud noise that the symble-like instruments made. It made my head throb and i noticed i wasnt the only one getting disturbed. But everyone chose to bear it quietly. After a while i couldnt take it and despite protests from my friend i got up and approached those people requesting them to please stop their singing as it was greatly disturbing everyone. They had no right to disturb other people for their pleasure. I told them I am not against your devotion or any religious practices, but 'Bhakti' is not singing loudly and troubling others but it is taking the name of God and also respecting other people's space. I asked them to respect our space and please stop. They said they would after one song.
I waited.
And they continued.
This made me even more furious and I got up and started shouting at them. The leader came to the 'window' from where i was talking to them and asked me if it was the 1st time i was travelling in the compartment, and then asked me to go sit down!!! And what was worse was the attitude of the other ladies in the compartment. They chose to put cotton in their ears, and when i voiced out my opinion, told me that it was no use and if i wanted to complain i should go to the police. I had a good mind to tell them what i thought about their complacence, but controlled myself.
And to add to my furiosity was another similar incident that had happened a few months ago when i was travelling in the general 1st class with a few friends. The adjoining 2nd class had some people singing similarly and I did want to get up and ask them to stop as i wasnt feeling well then and the noise was making me feel dizzy and nauseous. But my friend accompanying me stopped me saying that these people have a lot of influence and contacts with the wrong people and if you speak up, it may have bad consequences. That did not deter me and i still wanted to get up and tell them, but i was held down by him. So, i called up the Churchgate Station ARO's office from my cell phone informing the policeman on the other side about the din and disturbance. The reply shocked me even more as he said he couldnt do anything as the train was moving and i would have to go to the Churghgate station office and file a complaint with the train timings, etc and then they would try and take some action if they could. I told them wat about the fact that i am getting disturbed now? And i got no reply from the other end. i just gave a rude thank you and cut the call.

These two incidents have set me thinking.

What can we do if we face any disturbance like this? Is this a sort of religious fanaticism and how can it be curbed? Isnt religion more about caring for each other and respecting other people, then where did this sort of selfishness and mindless 'devotion' come about? Why has the indifference and complacence developed in the minds of people and the general attitude is we cant do anything about it, so we might as well bear it? No one tries. And if anyone does try, he/she is asked to keep quiet and reminded about the fruitlessness of the effort. Isnt a public place for everyone, then how come these people can continue doing what they want without regard for others who have also paid and who have an equal right to that space? The government goes on bothering about material things and making the city into 'Shanghai' but the first step required is developing an attitude in people that teaches them to respect. Respect others, respect space, respect places and respect your city. This lack of respect is the reason for pan stains on "Do not spit here" signs or rude remark coming your way when you try to help someone...
RESPECT... that is what is needed, and minds that are ACTIVE...minds that are more ready to voice their opinions and can realise the result of radical stances rather than just tolerating!

RESPECT!!!!!!

WROTE THIS IN CLASS TODAY...

I CAN SEE ME

Picking up a steel spoon,
In it, I can SEE me;
Scrubbing the floor tiles,
Once they’re clean, I can SEE me.
Looking out the window,
The civilization outside roars,
Turning back in, In the window glass,
I can SEE me.
Walking down the road,
Shops have glass doors – shut,
But walking in them with me,
I can SEE me.
The large mirror at the dressing table,
Shows me a world so similar,
In it too, mimicking my actions,
I can SEE me.

Away from these distorted worlds
When I try to find me,
I can feel, I can sense, But I can’t SEE me.



- © HAEM ROY

VACATIONS OVER...(sob, sob)

CUTTING THROUGH

A yellow bird
Flits
from tree to tree.
The grass spying on it.
The wind distracting everyone
as its laugh still echoes after it runs away.
The corn stalks gossiping about
the crazy squirrel scurrying.
The bees and butterflies
trying to chase the wind;
but the smiling flowers woo them back.
The sun taking a nap high above
softly aware of all the activity.

The purring turns into a roar
as the motorbike cuts through the little world
And moves ahead.

- © HAEM ROY 


Sigh! The vacations are gone. They have disappeared without a trace and we have been dragged back to routine and more. The laziness still hasn't subsided and I have to keep telling myself how bad the situation is and how much i need to do. Maybe that'll "bring some tension into my head" like my best friend says. I desperately need that being the kinds who works best under pressure.

Today, I was feeling quite light. The cold, yet pleasant weather with the end-of-Christmas feel brought a certain bounce in the air which affected me. I was lazy yes, but yet bouncy and very spirited too. I felt like being a prankster, jumping around college, talking away endlessly and just being, just existing. It felt nice, burdenless for once.

Until we got the warning and exam instructions from teachers of course. But well, the spirit finally overpowered the tension for the day at least as I went around shouting greetings and smiling as widely as I could.

For the heavy part, we also had a nice discussion on the evil in man and its inherentness. Svagery, crime, etc and the state of the world today and the attitude and emotions of the people in this age and time. This was a discussion that emerged from a combination of my earlier entry which was still plaguing my thoughts and a study of Golding's The Lord Of The Flies in class. The book talks about the very same thing and is quite a shocker in many ways. Here, children are given the quialities that are generally attributed to adults and it adds to the surprise and shock. All value systems are questioned. For me, that led to a questioning of present mentality and future possibilities. Sometimes I get surprised at the fact that I get so deep into something and get so reflective. In other words, I do surprise myself at such times thanks to my own thoughts and the tangents and digressions and theories they adopt.

Back to the light part - I was enjoying the feel and mood and was cuddling up in my oversize sweatshirt, which I quite liked. And I left college relatively early today too, which is something rare. The best part - the survey guy, Krishna, in college. I filled a questionairre for him and earned 100 bucks!!! Yaaaaaay!

(That I spent 280 bucks in buying Rebecca and Look Back in Anger is a separate fact and I WILL NOT allow that to interfere with my elation on getting some money at least!!)

CARNIVOROUS HUMANS!!

What a start to the NEW YEAR! While the whole world rings in the New Year with a lot of celebration, there are a few children who will never see it. It is quite appalling to hear that someone who can be categorised as human could so brutally abuse and kill children.

The Noida killings are quite a shocker for the whole country! At this moment at the onset of the New Year when everyone wishes for good luck and better times ahead, comes the news that the times are getting worse.
Watching the 'censored' visuals on television I wondered, is this like a warning? While we continue to live devoid of all sensitiveness and working in a perfectly mechanic way according to routine, the world is getting disintegrated. With all care and concern disappearing, the meaning of 'human' is just becoming a biological definition.

Sitting at home it is easy to criticise what the government or the BMC or George Bush are doing, and everyone is used to the easy way out now. Who will bother to raise a voice and publicly raise the issue? A small disapproval in front of the idiot box while mumbling a few abuses at the wrong-doer will do! This 'Chalta Hai' that once made Mumbaikars famous will prove to be the death knell. It is the loophole that allows the biggest of problems to stay and stagnate because it is being tolerated and hence it grows. That the problem will explode one day and kill everyone is something that is chosen to be ignored.
The train blasts shook everyone. But life was normal soon enough and that was appreciated as the 'spirit of the city'. Spirit bullshit! It was nothing but a lack of choice. Given an option everyone would stay at home, but then who would feed the family?The bureaucrats try to encourage this attitude so that their faults and incompetencies are well-hidden and ignored. And how well do they do it i must say!Let me NOT get into politics... or my talks will never stop!

Coming back to the word human... 'humanity' now is just a species. Who cares for fellow human beings. Saving your own tail is first priority. Economic progress is certainly there, but that has brought with it many other things. The idea of self-realisation and identity is a great one... and i am a believer in it too. I do believe in finding one's own path in life and trying hard to make one's mark. But that does not mean that the lives of others have to be staked. I had a discussion about Individuality and Unity earlier and the same applies here. Humanity means being one spirit, a whole and feeling for other people, which no longer exists.

If it did, such heinous crimes would not occur. Only one has been revealed through the Noida killings. No one knows how many more lives are being staked for personal gains in other parts of the country or world. No one knows the extent to which this rust has spread and is weakening the iron pillars of humanity cos it is deep inside where not many can see. Only when the building will collapse will the inner core be exposed. Unless someone who knows the insides dares to come into the open and reveal. Unless the iron conquers the other forces and decides to fight back actively. Unless the iron is used, it will rust in the open.

I have a scary feeling inside me whenever i hear of any crime. I have a scarier feeling when i hear of political scams and corruption. I wonder, what if everyone in power becomes such? Will the world continue to exist? Won't extinction occur then? Everyone will just kill everyone else and well, the population problem will be solved, won't it?

I noticed here, E is a very important letter. Unless it is added to human and the species is made HUMANE, it will become the E of EXTINCTION!

Its like this hypothetical situation, What if only carnivores lived in this world?

Anyways, considering vegetarians are still alive along with the cows and goats, i can say...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
May you not get eaten up by anyone!