Feb 1, 2009

I want to be a politician

Now, this is not a Std 5 English essay, nor is it my SOP to the political parties to get them to adopt me.

I am just trying to see how life could be better. Let me explain.

If I were a politician, I wouldn't have to worry too much about restrictions. My bills would all be paid of course, so I can talk on the phone or use up as much electricity as I wish.

Oh and some cool wheels with a light on it too. Break signals or zoom past the speed limit, who cares. I am allowed, since I would be one of those who runs the country, and cos i make the rules I can break them.

I can be impulsive and whimsical too. I don't need to try and be responsible and all. If I feel like, I can suddenly ban the wearing of underwear. Now of course during the ancient times in India, it was the skimpy generation. So after all that IS Indian culture, and who are we to not follow it.

I can polish my debating skills by fighting over mindless issues. Obviously it is not necessary that I know about these issues. What is important is I can speak nonsense (which I am quite capable of, by the grace of the Almighty). The rest will follow. Oh but I have to be careful to ignore the big issues like terrorism and crime rate and poverty. They are a trap by the opposition.

I have to speak about the small issues only, like an incident at a pub, or a stray cat being knocked off by a parked cycle falling off, or hot tea burning a celeb's lips. Lets ban cycles and tea! After all, who else will look after the minority if not me. We shouldn't ignore these issues.

And if 29 people come together to molest a young girl at a pub, I will not care about the welfare of women in the country. Why should I care about the lack of awareness and empathy among the people, or about the woosies in the law system. It's much better to tear off the root, and just remove all chances of any fun anyone can have. No one has fun, no one misuses it. Simple logic.

Maybe I can shut movie halls to stop the casting couch. Or how about banning cars on the roads to prevent all road accidents.

I haven't been out of India. I can just fly to Australia for a research on the life of penguins, and how they would affect India's ecology. Of course, I would need my family, my neighbour, my barber, my chaiwala and bhajiwali for general help during the research.

I can also be of help to humanity. You don't think I am heartless now, come on. I will give some donations to the families of war, attack victims, with the media being totally in the know. They have the right to know and cover everything (that I ask them to cover).

I will be the best politician in the country I tell you. I won't ever be caught in sting operations, I will make sure I keep all my wealth a big secret from the Income Tax, I will be in the eyes of the media at all the right times, and of course I will visit all your homes every 5 years (or maybe 2, you never know) to ask for your votes. I promise, I won't trouble you at all otherwise and you won't see a trace of me anywhere.

And as for all that keeps happening in the country, 'bade bade shehron mein choti choti baatein hoti rehti hain'. I have my cuppa to bother about. Another cutting please!

(a relevant video: http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=4N0eeu1wahM)


soulful saint said...

a true pitcher. liked the cribbing, from a different angle. we have lost it both "name and shame"... no turning back...
write on!!!

Henry Lalkholian Guite said...

i too wish living a politician life
good food, good car, good life ah! so many more.
off course there are civil servant to clean our messed policy.

Mariette said...

LOVED THE SARCASM...AND WELL SAID! HAEM FOR PRESIDENT!!! (starts a rally and morcha for the same!!! )

mads said...

super, haem.
a whole new perspective!