Jul 2, 2007

Fear!! and Indulgence...

I just cant stop wondering. I just cant stop asking myself. And i just never get any answer.

A question that pops up again out of what I call my toaster brain (cos sumthin or the other keeps popping) is addiction. There are drugs which visibly get you addicted. You KNOW you are addicted to them. But at times there are moments in life that are all new. You seek something, and you get maybe a part of that. In the ever-lasting quest for gratification, there are times when you think that you have achieved what you wanted. And when you get that you are not ready to let go of it. Why is it that fear always leads to so much attachment? You dont want to let go of something, you cant, cos you dont know if that gratification will ever be gained again. You are afraid of the void that the loss will leave. And the emptiness you cant bear.

When you have care, when you have a soothing voice, when you get something that life has never given you, it is the most wonderful time ever. You seek all that you have never got, you look for all that you always wanted, you try to complete all your inner incompleteness through that one channel. You expect a lot. You want a lot. You dream a lot.

And that leaves a larger void when that channel is blocked. When you have to just hold back and stop. All that was wonderful is over, and all your expectations are shattered eve before they began. You hope for a revival, but deep within you know the channel is blocked. The fear comes again. You cant forego all the expectations and the memories so easily and they will continue to haunt you. The shattered pieces will reflect all that was, and make you want to have it all over again. And these very pieces will stop you from being more receptive to other channels now.

The fear is here again. This time it will be the fear of venturing into another channel. Cos the ghosts of the old one still give you shivers!

Material things give so much joy at times. They are the best therapy, the best distraction when you want to get your mind off something that you don't seem to be in control of, indulging yourself is the best thing.

And so i indulged...
I got a funky new haircut... and that too for free.

And, I got a niiicceee new party top... yaaaay! (tho since I hardly ever...actually never... go partying it is not much of use...but well i wanted it!!) And again, not out of my own pocket (feels much much better when it isnt you thats paying)!!

Went roaming the streets of Colaba Causeway with Mariette in the rains, and it was good. I also bought some chappals and beads!!)

I love walking in the rain. I was splashing into all possible puddles as always.

The rains are another therapy that always work for me. They just uplift your mood. They seem to be talking to you, whispering to your mind, and I like what they seem to say. The feel of having raindrops do a little dance on your face, or that of the leaves hustling and talking to the wind as they become green again... its all so nice. And also... someone has said, which i totally agreed to - "I like walking in the rain because it hides my tears" It just washes them away and drains me...

After the rains and the shopping therapy... Am i distracted? Has it helped enough? lets not get into that. For now... yaaaaaaaaay i got new stuff! And yes, if you wish, you are welcome to buy me more :D

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